Mixed Feelings

Today’s the day he walked out the door and never came back. Two years ago, Erica had a very interesting day. So what happened? Well, I asked him for a divorce. He said no. I told him I wanted to see other people, explore polyamory, learn more about myself and what I really needed. He asked me to give him time and to not date yet. I said okay—because I was a coward. That part's a longer story. For 12 weeks, we lived in a strange, stressful limbo. That could be its own story. He was at his best during those weeks. The kindest, calmest version of himself I’d ever seen. Maybe he sensed the end. We talked a lot. I told him about the ways he had hurt me, how scared I was of him sometimes, and how scared his kids were too. Then spring break came. We had a decent week. We even went and got a puppy—almost like we were celebrating that he was trying to be good to another living thing. But after the break, we argued. We argued because I told him I was never going to be monogamous again. We ar...

 You ever have one of those nights? The one that feels like a rom-com—intense eye contact, deep convos, forehead kisses, maybe some light trauma bonding. You go home buzzing. Smiling like a teenager. Butterflies having a twerking contest in your chest. You wake up thinking, “Wow. That was something.”   Hell you message your emotional support person "GIRL!!!"  And then… crickets. Or worse—dry, half-assed texts like “last night was fun lol.” Sir. You cannot spend hours talking about life, snuggled up like we’re writing our own indie love story, and then vanish like I was just your emotional Airbnb. ***I didn’t soft-launch my feelings for you to hard-launch your indifference.*** Now I’m thinking back, rewatching the night in my head like it’s a Netflix docuseries called “The Man Who Faked Emotional Intimacy.” Was it real, or just a glitch in his avoidant attachment matrix? Honestly, I think I just got emotionally catfished by my brain thinking about potential. Anyway, s...

March is a very emotional month for me. It holds so many memories—some difficult, some bittersweet. March 18th was our wedding anniversary, a date that now feels heavy with the past. March 23rd was his birthday, a reminder of the years we spent together, even though our relationship was often tumultuous. And then there’s March 31st, the hardest day of all—the day he went missing. That day changed everything. It has been two years since then, and while the pain is still there, I have grown so much. I have learned to be strong, to face the past without letting it define me, and to keep moving forward. March will always be hard, but I am proud of how far I have come. So if you see a little water escaping from my eyes don't worry. I was just cutting onions!