Mixed Feelings

 Did you know the mark felt so badly about his horrible parenting that he suggested we adopt a kindergartner? My middle ground was a dog that ended up to be a fucking nightmare. Walmart was killing himself. The dog ate something and was puking everywhere with some distracted me and there's a whole fucking situation behind that but like... He was a shitty father.... And he at least talked to my youngest and apologized for that. But he didn't get to the middle one or the older one because he fucking killed himself... I don't feel very well tonight but I'm going to tell you I'm so mad at him today. What the fuck??? You didn't go to any of your kids stuff because you were agoraphobic or whatever.....  You scared them! You walked on goddamn eggshells just like I did just like my parents did. We all fucking walked on eggshells for you dude. You weren't an asshole I'm so mad at you tonight.

  If I am dreaming when will I wake up?    When I wake up will Mark be there? The last week has felt so much like a dream I am sitting here looking in the mirror and just trying to piece which dreams were real and which things really happened. My dreams lately have been so realistic that I need like a safe word to help myself understand I am awake and this is reality. Like was I really in a different room most of the week? Even just the shipt shopping I have been doing…. Like Erica Foster doesn't grocery shop…. But here I am killing it. Even last night Loki and I had a double date in Hastings and stayed at a hotel.  Did that really happen?  I think so Now I'm at Rockman's it's really happening I think…. But Monday is a professional development and I will be in a whole new place again.    What shall the safe word be?

  The 1 year anniversary of the day they found mark is coming up.  It’s the 2nd of April his technical date of death…. I feel like I should plan ahead and take that day off of work.     As an ADHD person or maybe all people are this way but numbers and dates hold value to me and it can really change my mood. It’s a Tuesday, my planning day but I often also sub.   But I think I probably should take that dayoff? Sometimes that date will fall during spring break but this year it’s right after.  I don’t want people to think I am a slacker but I also feel like I might be a mess? As it gets closer my mind is often thinking of him.  Driving by the place they found him didn’t bother me for the last several months but now it’s starting to look the way it looked when it happened.  An early spring, still light out at night and def light when I drive to work past the red barn. I have been really more depressed lately and not finding joy in things that I ...