I hate you, I love you... I hate that I love you.

 Today has been rough.  The whole getting back to school/work thing in general has been reminder after reminder that the human I talked to the most about all my feelings/ideas is dead. 


Lots and lots and lots of stupid feelings water dripping down my face today.  Stupid tears!  


*Note to self any event can include talking about suiside.   I hate that it bothers me to hear it, I am a firm beliver that everyone has the right to decide when they are done living this life.  And honestly "Real talk" Mark 100% had every right to leave this world.


I hate him for leaving this world sometimes, and other times it is very freeing to know that the struggle that was "us" is over.   There's no revisiting this argument or that fight.  There's no worrying about what he might do next.  It's done how freeing it is for the both of us that it's done.


Today I think I hate him for leaving.  It was over.  Our marriage was over and that's another post for another day.   But we could still have been eachothers ROCK!  He could have been in a nice little apartment where I could visit him and we could talk about all the stuff he loved to talk about.  I could be telling him about my new school year adventure.

The kids would still have a place they could go to and maybe one day get closure for the kind of parent he was (Another topic for another day yet again). 


Some days I think that way.  But then the logical part takes over and realizes he was sick.  His health was deterorating and he hated living the way he was living.  Unable to drive.  His vision getting worse.  And most of all (*TMI*)  Circulation problems.


Anyways that's all for this post.  I hate this so much today...  Today it is raw.  Today I feel it.


And tonight btw is open house at work.  I can't wait to see the kids and the parents and schmooze with them.  I hope no one gives me that "oh bless her heart" look.... But they will.

Fun Fact did you know that schmooze means to talk with someone in a lively and friendly way, typically in order to impress or manipulate them.

"it's a good time to put yourself forward, to network and to schmooze"

That sounds like a bad thing lol.

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