I'm not ok but thanks for asking!

 I really do appreciate that people care and want to know how I am.... I don't think I've slowed down enough to realize how not okay I'm right now.


It's funny as in strange not haha... Funny, the things that bring up how not okay.


So I'm definitely not going to talk to anyone about this for long periods of time.... But if you want to know some of the reasons, I'm not okay today or things that have made me feel not okay lately. Here is a list.


Death - 35-year-old woman who was part of the polyamory community died unexpectedly and that shit hit hard. Like she was everybody's mom But was that type of woman that you know no one ever mommed her.... She was strong like that and I can only imagine how her life was. We weren't close enough that I know all the ins and outs but yeah.


Christmas - That's a whole nother blog in it of itself, but let's just say that the mixture relief that no one's going to punch a hole in the wall this Christmas coupled with the guilt that I feel relief... And the fact that he was my best friend for a really long time so I do miss him often.... It's just overwhelming.


Romance -  polyamory is definitely not for the faint of heart.... it also scratches all my ADHD itches if that makes any sense.  I do worry that I'm using polyamory as a crutch to avoid serious feelings.

But then I sit down and evaluate and realize that I have some really serious feelings about some people....

Probably need a whole post about that as well, but let's just say it terrifies me when I have a realization of how much I care about a person.


Never want to get trapped again... So I will let my heart be tied to someone and twisted around with someone and my feelings for someone be true. But I don't think I'll ever give up having my own space.


Work _ That's a whole nother blog as well. All I will say is that teachers, nurses, social workers and really anybody should be allowed to live their lives when they are not at their place of employment. Also, never assume everyone at work has your back... Some people do.... Some people are lying to you.


I don't want to be that person that starts distrusting everyone now so I'm learning to follow my gut.


Money worries  too but I cause a lot of my own issues there..... I will feel better when I get taxes back and have a cushion.


Other notes that I meant to add to my blog over the course of the last months but I never just sit down and take time to do that.

November 2nd and December 2nd both passed without me realizing until a few days later that it had been the second of a month that I wasn't upset....


Dating is weird.


I'm a good person.


I think that's it for now 



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