Alone even when I wasn't - Nesting Partner

So last night I was sick (I’ve been sick a few nights, actually). It was sad, 'cause I was missing out on the fun. Missing seeing my people. Just in pain.


I cried, lamenting how I miss that 23-year marriage thing—that meant there was a person here when I felt like this. A person living with me, so I wasn’t alone. At least when Mark was here, I wasn’t alone when I was feeling like this…


Then my memory smacked me in the head and said, “What the fuck are you talking about??!?!”


When you were sick, you often hid it so he wouldn’t get mad at you for being overly dramatic.


When you were sick and couldn’t hide it, you got a guilt trip for not roleplaying or hanging out—you abandoned him, alone in your sickness, in the bed, while he was in the same room… but not with you.


When you were sick, you canceled future plans to make up for the ones you missed with him—even though those plans were literally just sitting in your house, together.


You didn’t get loved or pampered when you were sick.


Except for those last 12 weeks before the end. When he was being the best version of himself he could be.


So, bitch—you’re crying over something you wish was real. But it wasn’t. And probably won’t be in the future. You’re not gonna nest—it’s too scary.


You’re not gonna let people get close. You’re not gonna ask for help. You’re gonna remember that more than half your life was spent walking on eggshells—even when you were sad, sick, mad, scared. And yeah, it kinda sucked.


But today? I feel better.

And I’m getting the FUCK out of this house.

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