Mixed Feelings

 Today I did a few things that were very difficult for me: 1 I drove someone around in my car.  My car is close quarters and I have a LOT of bad memories of driving The Man everywhere.  Oh my gosh the tension I have just worrying about what everyone around me is going to do, and how that might piss off my passenger is something that shocks the shiz out of me! 2. I got on marks computer and I am downloading  a game to play during break.   It is very weird just the sound of the fan of his computer takes me back but it's MY computer now and I shall put it to good use! 3. I took a super duper long nap and I still could sleep more.  I think my brain is readjusting and relaxing after a few days of feelings! 4. I still need to fix the bedroom up the way I want it but it's so spacious without a couch.  I like being able to just spread out and move around and have my own space. Ok that's it for now.

 Christmas was unexpectedly difficult!  It was always the one time of year Mark would come upstairs and sit in the Livingroom with the whole family.   It's also the only time I took many pictures of him so my phone has been showing me lots of MARK all the time! A few things to note: 1. Our dog was absolutely bananas on Christmas and all I could think about was how much Mark would have hated it and how we all would have been on edge hoping the dog didn't piss Mark off! 2. The kids seem ok.  They each have struggles of their own but overall they seem to be doing ok with the loss of a parent.  I have always been blessed to have my parents who really did a lot of the parenting! 3.  It's coming up on one year since I asked for a divorce and all heck broke lose with our lives.  Not sure how I feel about it but you know me always keeping track of the time as if it means something. Other tid bits I had a great Christmas Eve with Loki and his family made m...

 I really do appreciate that people care and want to know how I am.... I don't think I've slowed down enough to realize how not okay I'm right now. It's funny as in strange not haha... Funny, the things that bring up how not okay. So I'm definitely not going to talk to anyone about this for long periods of time.... But if you want to know some of the reasons, I'm not okay today or things that have made me feel not okay lately. Here is a list. Death - 35-year-old woman who was part of the polyamory community died unexpectedly and that shit hit hard. Like she was everybody's mom But was that type of woman that you know no one ever mommed her.... She was strong like that and I can only imagine how her life was. We weren't close enough that I know all the ins and outs but yeah. Christmas - That's a whole nother blog in it of itself, but let's just say that the mixture relief that no one's going to punch a hole in the wall this Christmas coupled w...