Mixed Feelings

So, school is coming back very soon. I’ve had some gnarly bad dreams lately—about things not even related to school. But I know it’s the stress of the school year starting again… along with money worries and indecision. But last night (and Friday night) I had absolutely bonkers dreams! Like, so very very real. So real that when I woke up this morning, I was in tears. Then I cried a bit more because I was actually glad it wasn’t real. Mark’s been showing up in them—just on the periphery. Last year, when summer was ending, it had only been four months since he passed… so it was still really fresh. Going through the back-to-school process without him was hard. No matter how bad things often were, there were times I could bounce ideas off him—or at least talk things through just to see how I felt about different positions, etc. I do have people in my life now that I can talk to about this stuff… but they don’t have the whole backstory. So it’s hard. Anyway—I really want to have great dream...

So it's been a year since Mark took his life.  Lot's has changed lots is the same.  We all still live here on Allston drive.   I'm not home as often, but this is still home. Logan is almost finished with his associates of liberal arts.  Zander got his driver's license and a car. He's a hard worker! Wesley (the artist formally known as Rosen) got a job at his school doing costumes etc.   He is going very well in school and will be finishing his 2nd year soon.  Mom works in an office now not at home anymore.  Dad takes care of Zeke all day and takes Logan to meetings etc. We are all doing well. It's been a sad day.... I kept sorry busy.  I got my tires rotated then I shipt shopped and door dashed until almost 10pm. Tomorrow back to work too finish the list 10 weeks of school.    Things are going well!

 Did you know the mark felt so badly about his horrible parenting that he suggested we adopt a kindergartner? My middle ground was a dog that ended up to be a fucking nightmare. Walmart was killing himself. The dog ate something and was puking everywhere with some distracted me and there's a whole fucking situation behind that but like... He was a shitty father.... And he at least talked to my youngest and apologized for that. But he didn't get to the middle one or the older one because he fucking killed himself... I don't feel very well tonight but I'm going to tell you I'm so mad at him today. What the fuck??? You didn't go to any of your kids stuff because you were agoraphobic or whatever.....  You scared them! You walked on goddamn eggshells just like I did just like my parents did. We all fucking walked on eggshells for you dude. You weren't an asshole I'm so mad at you tonight.

  If I am dreaming when will I wake up?    When I wake up will Mark be there? The last week has felt so much like a dream I am sitting here looking in the mirror and just trying to piece which dreams were real and which things really happened. My dreams lately have been so realistic that I need like a safe word to help myself understand I am awake and this is reality. Like was I really in a different room most of the week? Even just the shipt shopping I have been doing…. Like Erica Foster doesn't grocery shop…. But here I am killing it. Even last night Loki and I had a double date in Hastings and stayed at a hotel.  Did that really happen?  I think so Now I'm at Rockman's it's really happening I think…. But Monday is a professional development and I will be in a whole new place again.    What shall the safe word be?

  The 1 year anniversary of the day they found mark is coming up.  It’s the 2nd of April his technical date of death…. I feel like I should plan ahead and take that day off of work.     As an ADHD person or maybe all people are this way but numbers and dates hold value to me and it can really change my mood. It’s a Tuesday, my planning day but I often also sub.   But I think I probably should take that dayoff? Sometimes that date will fall during spring break but this year it’s right after.  I don’t want people to think I am a slacker but I also feel like I might be a mess? As it gets closer my mind is often thinking of him.  Driving by the place they found him didn’t bother me for the last several months but now it’s starting to look the way it looked when it happened.  An early spring, still light out at night and def light when I drive to work past the red barn. I have been really more depressed lately and not finding joy in things that I ...

 Today I did a few things that were very difficult for me: 1 I drove someone around in my car.  My car is close quarters and I have a LOT of bad memories of driving The Man everywhere.  Oh my gosh the tension I have just worrying about what everyone around me is going to do, and how that might piss off my passenger is something that shocks the shiz out of me! 2. I got on marks computer and I am downloading  a game to play during break.   It is very weird just the sound of the fan of his computer takes me back but it's MY computer now and I shall put it to good use! 3. I took a super duper long nap and I still could sleep more.  I think my brain is readjusting and relaxing after a few days of feelings! 4. I still need to fix the bedroom up the way I want it but it's so spacious without a couch.  I like being able to just spread out and move around and have my own space. Ok that's it for now.

 Christmas was unexpectedly difficult!  It was always the one time of year Mark would come upstairs and sit in the Livingroom with the whole family.   It's also the only time I took many pictures of him so my phone has been showing me lots of MARK all the time! A few things to note: 1. Our dog was absolutely bananas on Christmas and all I could think about was how much Mark would have hated it and how we all would have been on edge hoping the dog didn't piss Mark off! 2. The kids seem ok.  They each have struggles of their own but overall they seem to be doing ok with the loss of a parent.  I have always been blessed to have my parents who really did a lot of the parenting! 3.  It's coming up on one year since I asked for a divorce and all heck broke lose with our lives.  Not sure how I feel about it but you know me always keeping track of the time as if it means something. Other tid bits I had a great Christmas Eve with Loki and his family made m...